Southpawpunch goes corporate

This website has an account at Facebook but I’ve had to change my account name there from “Southpaw Punch” to Solomon Punt (Solomon seemed to scan [?] better than Simon).

Both account names bear the same relation to my real name - very little - but I’ve already been befriended on Facebook by another Punt who wants me to sign up to some Punt family network.

This reminded me of other occasions when someone has got me confused with a 'namesake'. I don’t have that common a name but there are a few of us

I received an interesting email last year, addressed to ‘me’, and that was sent to one of my accounts (my name at gmail.com).

Let me call myself ‘Solomon Punt’ in my report below of what happened.

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-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Solomon Punt - Financial Controller - Europe
From: Big Boss Andrew (Blackberry)
Date: April 9
To: Big Big Boss Alan and 19 others Bosses at BadBank
Cc: Solomon Punt
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Colleagues,

This is to let you all know that Rajesh left the company yesterday and Solomon Punt has joined BadBank with effect, and with full operational responsibility, from today as Financial Controller - Europe.

Solomon will be responsible for all Financial and corporate (non Legal) matters for all the European Markets and will be based in the London Office.

I hope that you all join me in welcoming Solomon onboard the group.

An email account and mobile phone number is being setup for Solomon and will be active on Monday.

Welcome onboard the group Solomon...

Thanks & Kind Regards

Big Boss Andrew

- Sent from my Blackberry -

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So I looked up BadBank, I was interested to find out more about where I was going to be working.

The company is the UK subsidiary of a US ‘financial services company’. It specialises in providing sub prime mortgages (at crippling interest rates) as well as credit cards to the ‘financially vulnerable’.

That’s not credit cards that maybe give you a 1% cashback to help you a little bit with your financial plight.

That’s credit cards where you pay a fee for the credit card, are not given any credit (you have to top them up before you use them) and where you also pay a fee every time you use your card.

But it’s ok - your card looks flash and has a fancy name - ‘Portfolio’ or ‘Prestige’ or similar.

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-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Solomon Punt - Financial Controller - Europe
From: Solomon Punt
Date: April 9
To: Big Big Boss Alan, Big Boss Andrew and 19 others Bosses at BadBank
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello everybody,

I'm really pleased to hear about my new job. There I was thinking I was a PR consultant on London but now I'm appointed financial controller for some financial services company even though I failed my Maths A Level and didn't apply for the job.

Please remind how much I am getting and make sure my salary is in the bank at the end of the month - I can send the details.

As the new Financial Controller - Europe of BadBank, one of my first decisions is for some radical financial restructuring.

I note that we claimed, in our recent response to our trade body’s request for information for their submission to the Parliamentary Select Committee investigating our sort of company, that BadBank “at all times operates with the highest ethical considerations. We are proud to provide financial services to those who may be otherwise disadvantaged and we are also proud of our entrepreneurial ability to grow our company whilst dealing with clients who may be high credit risks…we are leaders in treating our staff well, we beat the rest in our industry.”

I’m making these changes to bring us fully in line with this declared ethical policy.

I am awarding all our mortgage holders a six-month holiday from their payments.

All directors will no longer be paid. The next quarter of staff paid immediately between the level of the directors will be subject to a 90% pay cut. All the lowest 60 percent of staff (by pay) will have their pay increased by 400% with immediate effect and their holiday entitlement will likewise be increased to 100 days.

I can see no mention of trade unions in any of the corporate information that we put online, so I’ve taken the initiative. I’ll be involved in a quick discussion with the TUC to ask them to get the appropriate trade union to set up a branch in our company - we will then recognise this body.

Alternatively you may wish to change your contact details so you have the correct email address for the real (or is it the fake?) Solomon Punt and so you don't send me any more emails - although if you do send me more, such as your secret plans, maybe I can sell them to your rivals?

Another thing. It’s all a bit sudden isn’t it, making the announcement the same day as Rajesh has been unpersoned? What have you done with him? Was it a case of ‘It's not personal, Rajesh. It's strictly business.’ Has his wife been told where to find his body?

Best Rgds,

- Not sent from a Blackberry -

Solomon Punt


-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Solomon Punt - Financial Controller - Europe
From: Big Big Boss Alan (Blackberry)
Date: April 9
To: Big Boss Andrew and 19 others Bosses at BadBank, Solomon Punt
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Andrew

I think yu sent to wrong address!

Check with Solomon...

Rgds

Alan

- Sent from my Blackberry -


-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Solomon Punt - Financial Controller - Europe
From: Boss Dave
Date: April 9
To: Big Big Boss Alan, Big Boss Andrew, 19 other Bosses at BadBank
Cc: Solomon Punt
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Sure Alan, to what extent I remember Solomon was never so funny!!!...


-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Solomon Punt - Financial Controller - Europe
From: Big Big Alan
Date: April 9
To: Big Boss Andrew, 19 other Bosses at BadBank, Solomon Punt
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

All,

I’m concerned that confidential information like this is so easily getting sent beyond the company...

I have found there can be a particular probelm that once an email address is uesd it can be hard to weed it out. Make sure you do that now. I’ve copied Solomon Punt in (the real one, not the joker!!) and weeded our ‘friend’ out on this to explain what happened.

More attention all...

Rgds

Alan

- Sent from my Blackberry -


-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Solomon Punt - Financial Controller - Europe
From: Boss Dave
Date: April 9
To: Big Big Boss Alan, Big Boss Andrew, 19 other Bosses at BadBank
Cc: Solomon Punt

URGENT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alan, I’m sorry to tell you that you are still copying in the ‘joker’ in on your emails. I’ll get Skip from IS to sort for you...

- Sent from my Blackberry -


-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Solomon Punt - Financial Controller - Europe
From: Solomon Punt - Financial Controller - Europe
Date: April 9
To: Big Big Boss Alan, Big Boss Andrew, 19 other Bosses at BadBank
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi all again,

Hey, I’m pleased that I am getting all my emails and you’re clearly taking measures to eliminate the other ‘joker’ who is pretending to be me.

Anyway - a few more initial financial decisions:

1. Donation of 100% of last year’s net profits to the International Red Cross

2. I’ve arranged an early meeting with HM Revenue and Customs to put our arrangements with them on an ethical basis (as per our stated policy). I am going to insist we pay at least 70% of our gross profit as tax but I would also like a full declaration from all of you of all the ‘scams’ regarding tax - legal and illegal - that we pull so I can inform them. We appear, from perusing our Annual Report online to have paid an astonishingly low level of tax last year - 2%? - some error, surely?

Look forward to seeing you all in the office, tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll have a warm reception.

PS. Why do us corporate types end every email message with ...?

Solomon Punt

- Sent from a dubious Internet café in Portsmouth (with no food) but who’s complaining at 50p per hour? -


-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Solomon Punt - Financial Controller - Europe
From: Boss Mary
Date: April 10
To: Solomon Punt
Cc: Big Big Boss Alan, Big Boss Andrew, 18 other Bosses at BadBank
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Solomon Punt -

Who the hell are you to give us the benefit of your ‘wisdom’?

You are a sad joker. Doubtless your only other activity is to wander down to the dole office every two weeks to collect the payment that I and the rest of our staff here (on whatever wages) are paying towards.

How dare you consider emailing the top executives of this company with your asinine ‘witty’ commentary? Grow up.

Boss Mary


-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Emails
From: Legal, BadBank
Date: April 11
To: Solomon Punt
Cc: Big Big Boss Alan, Big Boss Andrew, 19 other Bosses at BadBank
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Dear Mr Punt,

It would appear that employees of BadBank might have sent you emails in error.

As the legal representative of BadBank, I would like to inform you that BadBank has not, and does not, intend to offer any form of contract of employment or any other undertaking to yourself.

With Regards,

Legal, BadBank


-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Payment in lieu of notice
From: Solomon Punt
Date: April 12
To: Legal, BadBank
Cc: Big Big Boss Alan, Big Boss Andrew
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Legal, BadBank,

Damn, That must be my shortest job ever. Just over three days between the notice of my appointment and my sacking by you. Oh well.

Anyway, can you advise me on how much you will be paying me in lieu of notice and when can I expect payment?

Regards,

Solomon Punch

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- SILENCE -

Then, four months later I started being copied in again on a series of emails concerning mundane financial and corporate matters of BadBank. Sadly nothing was particularly confidential (that I could sell) and it was all rather tiresome reading.

So, getting bored... (Damn, I’m doing it now...)

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--------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: BadBank, financial status
From: Solomon Punt
Date: September 10
To: Big Big Boss Alan, Big Boss Andrew and 19 others Bosses at BadBank
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear colleagues,

Well I’ve been ploughing through all the financial strategy stuff that you’ve kindly been sending to me recently. It’s the most turgid task I’ve ever done. When they said it’s the dullest witted automatons with a paperweight for a heart that become accountants, they weren’t wrong.

But even just flicking through this stuff I see that my impostor ‘Solomon’ (no relation) predicted a 1.6% increase in C3 outturn over the last quarter but, in fact, there’s been a 0.2% decrease. Likewise, the predicted uplift rate expected for non-complaint conversions was 300% out - it’s 16%, not the 4% Solomon predicted.

Really, you’ve got the wrong Solomon. Surely you can see that now? Give me my job back and all will be forgotten.

Solomon Punt

- Not sent from a Blackberry -


-------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: unsolicited emails
From: Legal
Date: September 13
To: Solomon Punt
Cc: Big Boss Andrew
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Punt,

Without prejudice.

I am writing to you to insist that you do not further contact anyone working for BadBank by email, or by other means.

I would also draw your attention to the legal provisions under which you may have accidentally received copies of emails originating from BadBank.

This email and its attachments could be confidential If you are not the intended recipient of this communication and its attachments, you must take no action based upon them, nor must you copy or disclose them to anyone. Any views or opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of BadBank. Please contact the sender if you believe you have received this email wrongly.

I must ask for an undertaking from you that you will forward copies of all emails from BadBank employees and/or relating to the business of BadBank and that are in your possession or control to us without delay.

I must also insist upon written acknowledgement by you that you have destroyed all copies of these emails and which may have been stored by electronic, paper or other means.

We reserve our rights in connection with the above matter.

Judith Name, Legal Counsel, BadBank


-----------------------Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: unsolicited emails
From: Solomon Punt
Date: September 15
To: Judith Name, Legal Counsel
Cc: Big Boss Andrew, BadBank
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hiya Jude, How are you doing?

I’d also like to draw your attention to the legal text that has accompanied my emails to you and the rest of you working for BadBank.

This email and its attachments could be confidential. Sacco and Vanzetti were innocent. It is for the purposes of satire and can be copied freely. Does anyone ever read this stuff? Any views expressed here are those of revolutionary socialism and represent the views of Karl Marx. If you are the intended recipient of this communication and its attachments, you must send a PayPal payment of £1000 to the sender (the details of which will be given on request), you must also copy them to all the staff that report to you and post them on the public area of your company’s website.

I’d always considered the spiel written at the bottom of corporate emails - threatening all sorts of dire consequences - to be just ‘legal’ hot air that types like you use to try and scare the gullible.

But clearly you believe that the act of simply receiving an email actually imposes a legal contract on the recipient. Well who I am to argue with you, I mean you’re the lawyer?

So I must insist that you fulfil your obligations arising from receiving emails from me - I reckon BadBank owe me about £84,000. If you could pay up quick - I’ve got a bookie breathing down my neck and nine kids with 4 different women to support - I’ll be sure to send you back your emails pronto.

Warm Rgds,

Solomon Punt